I yelled at my kids. No, I screamed. It was the kind of scream that made my throat hoarse after. It was the kind of scream that caused my daughter to nervous laugh and my son, with a face of astounding bewilderment, to follow suit. This upset me even more. 

After what I suspect was the result of days or even weeks of festering, built-up frustration and stress, I yelled at my kids as we were trying to head out the door. 

Then, the shouting stopped and the burning in my throat subsided. Tears came as immediate guilt set in. An apology of “I’m sorry and I just need you to listen,” escaped my lips. My son pointed at the trail of black mascara lining my cheek as my empathetic daughter’s eyes welled up with tears. Her little hand patted my back. “It’s okay, Mom.” 

It was as if the puss had suddenly been released from an infected wound. The built-up intensity that often smolders beneath the surface had escaped.

“Let’s pray,” I suggested. We held hands, making our own mini circle. “When two or more are gathered,” I thought. “Even little hearts count.” I sought forgiveness from the Lord and my kids. I thanked Him for my precious children, whom despite my outburst, I really, truly love. After the cycle of anger, guilt and redemption was complete, I felt my shoulders relax. My body still shaking like it had witnessed a traumatic event, felt lighter as we shuffled out the door. 

Leaving Target proved to be rather trying. John scream-cried as I grabbed the bags and swiftly pushed the red cart away from the check stand. I made my way to the exit, ignoring the howls and crocodile tears. My hair was pulled and arms scratched as I wrestled his heavy, wriggling, and oh-so-stubborn, almost three-year-old body into the car seat. 

“I just wanted to see something cool!” He wailed. 

“I just wanted you to listen,” my mind echoed. How could I blame him after what he had just witnessed his mom do before we left the house. If this tantrum keeps up, maybe I’ll shed those five pounds I’ve gained since summer started just trying to buckle him in. 

I find summer to be quilt difficult. I never seem to remember how difficult it can be. The routine has changed for everyone and I find that I am actually the one struggling to adjust the most. My free time seems limited to minutes a day and not even consecutive ones, or late at night if I can stay up that long. 

I haven’t been motivated to write or work out. I often question when is the earliest, most socially acceptable time to start drinking wine on a given weekday. Some days all I want to do is curl up and binge watch Outlander. Sometimes it seems my singular goal for the day is when I get to have time to myself. 

“Another episode?” my daughter asks. 

“Sure.” It gives me more time to just sit here. Am I wasting away a summer with my kids, letting precious memory-filled possibilities slip through the cracks? Instead of waking up with the excitement of a new day, I find myself stressed, tired, lazy, and unmotivated.

What is wrong with me? 

My husband reassures me that I’m not a mean mom and when I ask my daughter, she says I seem mostly happy. Yet, I feel all I am doing is constantly correcting behavior, setting or restating boundaries, and saying “don’t do this or that.” 

Is this all a mom does? Is it just me because other moms seem calmer than myself? Is this just on the surface? Are they smoldering underneath as well? Are summers just as hard for them? 

Maybe this explosion of emotions in front of my kids was the release that finally needed to happen. I do somehow feel lighter. Much like that feather floating in the Forest Gump movie, feeling so heavy and not quite comfortable where I landed, I needed that gust of wind to pick me up and float me off again. 

Around the end of July last summer, I wrote about how to avoid the sometimes tempting downward spiral of self-pity. Something to do with the time I year I suppose. My body and mind lull and I’m needing to find motivation and increase my positivity and energy. Much like the green tomato on my windowsill that fell off the tomato plant too early, I need time to redden and ripen in the morning sun. 

In the summer blog post I wrote about a year ago, I said that I found scripture, self-care, and friends to be among the things that can remedy my mid-summer slump symptoms. I needed to be reminded of this again. 

I had the most comforting thought driving home tonight after spending a couple hours over a couple drinks with some friends.  And that is, “I’m not the only one.” 

It isn’t just me who is crazy and feeling these feelings. It isn’t just me who feels constantly on edge, impatient, or angry. I’m not the only one who feels that I am in constant output mode with very little received or what seems to be very little to show for it. 

My kids aren’t the only ones with difficulties. I’m not the only one who can’t seem to manage my time to workout or read my bible. Summer is difficult for other moms too. 

It isn’t just me. I’m not the only one.

It isn’t just you. You are not the only one. 

Earlier this summer, I wrote a little story about a trip to Trader Joes. I thought the story in itself held a great theme for the summer. That is, letting the kids be the lead in making the memories. This involves improvising, going with the flow, and not being rushed:

“Today, we went to Trader Joes after a fun summer morning at the park. Normally, when at any grocery store with kids, I put my two, almost three year old son in the shopping cart seat right by me and talk to him about what we need to find. My five year old daughter walks along the side and helps put items in the cart. 

This time however, as we approached the entrance and I grabbed my usual big cart,  my daughter pleaded to push one of the small kid carts. I didn’t feel like arguing with her because, well, what was my reasoning? That shopping would be harder? That it would take longer? Was I in a rush to leave? It’s summer, what else do I have going on? So I said, “sure,” and waited for what was coming next. 

“I want to push a shopping cart too!” my son shouted. 

So in we went, two kids, two kids carts, one list, and one mom who prepared herself for this sudden improvisational shopping trip. 

I laughed numerous times and apologized to strangers profusely. I directed cart traffic, barked orders, pulled one cart and pushed the other and confiscated extra treats that were snuck in.  It took us twice as long at the store, if not longer. 

At the end they got to help unload the cart at checkout and received some surprise stickers. I quickly traded in the two little carts for a big one because I was not about to let them out in the parking lot with those things. 

With the shopping bags loaded in the big cart,  I placed my son back into the cart seat and my daughter held onto the side of the cart. I accepted the receipt and breathed a sigh of relief. Things were back to normal. I was back in my comfortable place as we made our way to the car. 

I could have said no to my kids and made them shop in our usual way, but it wouldn’t have been nearly as memorable. Not nearly as special to them. Not to mention, the tantrum or fit that would have ensued had I said, “no.”

Improvisation is never the quick or easy route. It certainly wasn’t quick or easy at TJs today. I shouldn’t always be so quick to say, “no.”

Mothers are the master improvisers, but it’s not always easy.  Letting my kids in on the daily music of life or the writing I create, which almost always is inspired by them, will open up more opportunities for improvisation, which could lead to deeper and more meaningful experiences and stories.”

Keeping my kids in the lead on making memories is important to remember here. But more importantly, in order to let them lead, I need to remember to take care of myself. 

After my angry outburst that occurred earlier this summer, I have done the things that have proven to help replenish my depleted resources. I have read scripture, met with friends, went on a date with my husband, started working out, and have taken some meaningful time to write, read or just be. 

I find myself in the last half of August (say it isn’t so!), in a much better place. We’ve made some wonderful memories and it’s been a good summer. 

This post was written as part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to read the next post in this series “Remember This.”

My plea furiously fled through my fingertips. Tears streamed down my face. I tightly grasped my phone, my seemingly only source to reach the outside world, as I typed out my frantic message. Facebook, my only method I could think of at the time to reach people quickly. I needed help. I needed advice and I needed it fast:

“Okay… Now would be the time for words of encouragement or advice from moms with two or more kids. The first kid will be okay right? My poor girl is having a really hard time and my heart is breaking for her. We’ve only been home with her little brother for 4 days and it’s been really hard. We even have tons of help! But Hadley has regressed in her potty training and pees her pants every 30 minutes, cries all the time, has lost focus to play or complete any kind of task. Those are just a few things. To make it worse, I can’t pick her up or hold her in my lap because of my stupid c section. Oh and she has a cold so the little guy and I have been upstairs all day. I’m like the neighbor who says “ hi,”  occasionally to her. I just need to hear that it will get better and that she’ll be okay.”

The transition to two kids was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. My second c-section had made my ability to stretch my love to reach two children seem totally impossible. I was grasping for any advice or help to get me through. I had all the physical help one could possibly have with two grandmas, two aunts, and my dear husband, rotating around the clock at our house. I didn’t have many close friends who had more than one kid at the time. Words of encouragement were what I needed, even if they were from someone who was a, “Facebook friend.”

Words seem to sometimes not be enough. When a stranger offers advice or a kind life lesson phrase, often unwanted or unsolicited, it can seem empty and shallow. Even when someone close to us offers a word of wisdom, depending on our mood, it can seem cliche.

Sometimes though, words are exactly what we need to hear. We are desperate for them. Desperate to hear the words that affirm our thinking, feelings, and experience.  

I got a lot of responses from my post that day. Some I clung to.

That’s just it. When we get a response or phrase we find hope in or we like, we cling to it.

The kids and I started watching a new show on Netflix, Our Planet. The first episode we watched was, The Jungle. Dodging poison dart frogs, picking off ants, our young watching our every move while learning and growing, are just a few examples of how I related motherhood to the jungle, figuratively and literally, while watching this show on Netflix. This got me thinking about life as a jungle. This tangled up, intricate, intense, beautiful display of life, is made up of layers, much like the jungle, and the different experiences people have.  

Sometimes we get so stuck in our motherhood lives, tangled in roots at the jungle floor, that we forget other people outside of our home have lives too. They have been through things. Hard things. Sad things. We will never know where the well-meaning comment or advice stemmed from that the person behind us in-line at the grocery store so graciously shared. All we see is the spit-up, tantrums, and the smell of our showerless selves on a continual basis. It is truly difficult to see good intent and take the advice for what it is. Honest, truthful and heartfelt (most of the time). It’s hard to see the whole jungle or even know it’s there, when you feel stuck at the forest floor. There are people who have seen more of the jungle than we have. Perhaps we should listen to what they have to say.

Like anything, it is challenging to see beyond the circumstance you are in, which is why I think taking advice or a meaningful comment from someone looking in (if only a for a 2-minute glimpse) might not be such a bad thing. If you like it, take it and cling to it.

I believe when people offer us moms advice or words about motherhood, that we shouldn’t take offense so easily. People are well-meaning. Especially women who are older and are moms. They have been through the jungle (Maybe they still are in it. Do we ever leave?), but have seen the other side. Maybe their kids are grown and they know that we will truly miss these days? How are we to know if we haven’t been through it?

There is something to be learned from people who aren’t in the same stage of life we are in. We should not so easily brush them off as misunderstanding or overstepping strangers.  Just because they aren’t sweeping away the thick jungle foliage with us, doesn’t mean they don’t have anything to offer or haven’t swept away huge jungle leaves themselves.

Now that I’ve adjusted to life with two kids and I’ve, “been through that part of the jungle,” I can see the beauty of having two kids. I see my son and daughter playing together, laughing, even arguing and learning, and I know that all that jungle madness I went through was worth it. My heart did indeed stretch and my love reached them both. This is not something I would have known unless I experienced it myself. No amount of words of wisdom or advice could have gotten me through or prepared me. I had to live it. Breath it. Let it crush me down like a pounding rainfall, only to let me rise up again spilling over with bigger, greener leaves and a colorful display of tropical blooms.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

This post was written as part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to read the next post in this series on “Rewriting the Script.”

“Mom, will you write Jesus down for me so I know how to spell it?” Hadley asked. She continued on with her plan, “I’m going to write him a note.”

“Of course,” I responded with surprise. My daughter proceeded to set up her spot at the kitchen table. Colored construction paper, stickers, and our bucket of markers were carefully arranged. Finally, she settled herself down in the chair.

She started drawing figures on her paper. “What color is Jesus’ hair?” She looked up at me curiously as I wrote down J-E-S-U-S on a notecard and slid it in front of her.

“Brown hair.” I took a swig of water, “Here, I’ll get your bible and we can look at the picture.” I grabbed her children’s bible from the kids’ bookcase and flipped to the new testament. There was an illustration of Jesus showing his typical smile, long brown hair, flowing robe, and outstretched arms, that you so often see in children’s bibles. “There, see,” I pointed out, “brown hair.”

Hadley glanced at the picture to confirm and then continued on with her drawing. I stood there wondering what had brought on this sudden urge to write Jesus a note. This idea was somehow laid on Hadley’s heart and she had responded by taking action. I was so proud of her. So often, when things are laid on our hearts, they are sudden and almost out of nowhere. She must have felt that she needed to speak to Jesus.

One of Hadley’s favorite things to do lately is draw pictures or write notes to her family and friends. The people she loves most dearly get these special art creations from her. And now Jesus, was one of them. This was her way to show Him that she loved Him.

“I hope the mailman will be able to get this to Him.” Hadley continued coloring in her and Jesus standing together. I wanted to tell her, “He’s already got it sweetheart. He already knows everything in your heart. We don’t even need to mail it.” But I also wanted to continue to support her desire to mail this letter and complete this act of worship for Christ.

“I’ll get an envelope. Then you can write His name on the front.”  I suggested.

“I’ll draw a house on a cloud too.” she concluded.

“Good idea.” I grinned. “This is the sweetest thing ever,” I thought to myself. My heart was full.

A few minutes later, as Hadley was starting to decorate the front of the envelope, sounds of frustration could he heard. “Uhhhh, No!” she cried.

I approached the kitchen table, “What is it?”

“I can’t get the J right! It has to be perfect!” Hadley explained. She started to write her J again, the hook was getting her caught up. She must have wanted it to look exactly like mine. Again, I thought to myself what I wanted to say to her, “It doesn’t have to perfect. Jesus loves this gift you’ve given Him.” Only this time instead of keeping the thought to myself, I had to share.

“Hadley, it doesn’t have to perfect. That is the wonderful thing about Jesus. He doesn’t expect perfection from us. Just try your best. It’s the thought that matters.”

“Uhhh, no! It has to be perfect!” She declared again. I realized in that moment, I just had to step back and let her wrestle with it. I had said my piece, but she was in the thick of it and hadn’t really heard what I was trying to say.

After several attempts, she was satisfied enough with her J. She had moved on, added the final touches on her envelope and note. I was still stuck on her frustration though. What brought on this need for perfection?

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I’ve never thought of myself as a perfectionist. I can let little things go. In my career, as a teacher, I feel many educators tend to lean towards the perfectionist personality type, although not all.  I remember one group activity in particular during a staff meeting where we had to make a poster about… something (okay the details of the group assignment fail me). Someone had asked me to write. Somehow I always get stuck writing on these dang group posters. I do not have neat teacher handwriting. I am not a perfectionist and my handwriting is crap. I am also left-handed, so my hand just drags past my letters smearing the ink on the paper and my hand,  but I always end up having to write on these lovely group charts. At any rate, we had been listing bullet points to go with whatever the main idea of our poster was. I started creating bullet points for things we hadn’t written in yet, only to discover we had one pre-created bullet point left and no other details to add. Did this bother me? No. “Let’s make it into a star.” I suggest. “I’ll just cross it out.” Looks of sheer horror and disgust were thrown my way. I could see some teachers in my group grappling with what to put with that last unclaimed bullet point! I was however, done and completely satisfied with our task.

While I declare I am not a perfectionist, that I am easy going and don’t feel the need to control everything, my husband might argue differently with me. He and I love the tv show Friends. We constantly throughout our ten years of marriage and dating before that, have shot back and forth Friends related quotes and banter. I always thought of myself as a Rachel. But my husband was quick to correct me. “No, no. You’re most definitely a Monica. You’re Monica, with the looks of Rachel, and the appetite of Joey.”

I totally agree. He’s right. I’m Monica. I like things neat and clean. I don’t like clutter. Bins are my jam. My kids will have memories of putting away toys in bins for years to come. If I were to choose a category where I am closest to being a perfectionist, it is definitely keeping a tidy home. This is why the mantra, “It’s better than it was,” is so helpful to me while I clean and organize. This is why I am trying to delight in my children at this age and embrace the crunching beneath my feet as I walk across the kitchen floor.

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So this brings me to my question. If Jesus doesn’t expect perfection from us, why do we expect it of ourselves? I’m not sure. It can be exhausting to expect perfection from yourself or from others. I recently read a quote from Ruth Chou Simons @gracelaced: ”So fluff, fold, and tidy up in this season, but more importantly- let’s have decluttered hearts that prepare Him room.” She was referencing this holiday season and the need we can sometimes feel to have our homes perfectly decorated and prepared. It struck me because this is an area of weakness for me where perfectionism can rear its ugly head. Rather than focusing on outward tidying of things, more importantly, my heart needs to be tidied and uncluttered. I need to make room for Jesus, just as my daughter did when she wrote Him her love note. I hope I can continue to encourage Hadley that Jesus doesn’t expect perfection from her and nor do I. Jesus doesn’t expect a perfect heart. He just needs room to be there.

These two boys. They have no idea the amount of joy and love they’ve brought with them into this world.

They don’t yet know that their moms spent their childhood together. They don’t know that it all started because one of us decided to sit next to the other on the bus, as it huffed toward school that first day of kindergarten. They don’t know the number of sleepovers, Mariah Carey lip syncs, or the amount of times that we both declared an undying love for A-Rod.

They don’t know that we were there for eachother during the brutal adolescent years. Through the acne, boy crushes, heartbreaks, and poor fashion choices.

They don’t know that we were in each other’s wedding party and that we gave speeches, read poetry, and said “cheers,” to lifelong happiness. They don’t know the tears that were shed when our hearts desired to be moms so badly. Or, the sheer joy we felt when we met one another’s babes and we finally were.  They don’t know the delight that our hearts experience when we see our children talking, playing, hugging or interacting together.

But they do know that walking with a friend and splashing in puddles is pretty much the best thing ever.

Luke,

Your mom is one of the kindest, most thoughtful souls I have ever met. You bring her more joy than you could possibly know. She was meant to be your mother. Her heart couldn’t have been more ready for you. And just as she has always been there for me, she will always be there for you.

She is smart, so smart. Brilliant. She’s got the best sense of humor and can effortlessly exchange banter with the best of them. 

Sometimes your mom and I go for a stretch of time without talking or seeing one another. Life just gets in the way. However, we have known each other for decades, and the bond that was made all those years ago, will always remain.

With Love,

Kayleen

I follow @motherhoodthroughletterboards on IG. They post some of the funniest and most relatable quotes from moms.  They always get a laugh or a “Yaaasss,” response out of me. But recently, one quote in particular stuck out to me. So much so, I had to tag some other moms because I knew it would strike a chord with them too. The quote was this, “You don’t always have to enjoy every moment.” After reading this letterboard, I felt such a rush of relief. “Thank God,” I exhaled to myself.

I really despise the guilt that I sometimes feel when I am not enjoying a moment with my kids and I realize it. Mostly, because I know there are some women out there who want to be mothers so badly and I was one of them several years ago. I swore that I would never take for granted the moments I got to have with my kids. I promised myself that I would never complain or grow tired of the day to day. On my knees, as tears streamed down my face, I vowed that if I ever got pregnant, I would always be grateful. However, here I am and I admit it, I have taken for granted moments. I have complained or grown weary of the daily routines, repetitions, and the constant caring for.  Complaints like, “I swear all I do is make them food all day,” or “ I can never get anything done. I just want to do _________!” cross my mind fairly often.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I’ve done a lot of reflection regarding the things I am thankful for in my life. And I realize that just because you don’t enjoy every moment of something, does not mean you aren’t grateful for that thing in your life. Just because you aren’t enjoying every moment with your kids, does not mean you aren’t grateful for them. Bottom line, you don’t have to enjoy every moment of something in order to be thankful for it. So I haven’t broken that vow of thankfulness for my kids. Because I truly am thankful for them.

I wrote a story months ago about enjoying the moments with your kids. Even the hard ones. I have since revised my thinking. You don’t need to enjoy every moment. You don’t need to enjoy changing all the poopy diapers. You don’t have to enjoy fixing every meal or have the time of your life every time you play with them. However, you should rejoice in those moments. I feel there is distinct difference here. We can rejoice and we can be thankful in the tough moments of life, but we don’t have to enjoy them.

Motherhood is made up of moments. I still believe this. We count our time in moments as mothers because they come and go quickly. When you get to enjoy that first cup of coffee in the morning before you’re a short-order cook for the better half of the a.m., that’s a moment. When your son says, ”I love you so, so, so much Mama,” in his sweet two-year old native tongue, that’s a moment that’ll melt your heart right down. When the kids play together peacefully and actually practice the language and social skills you’ve worked on with them, that’s a moment. These are good moments and they make up for the ones that are hard.

When my husband and I were trying to conceive and I was on my knees praying that vow of thankfulness, I meant it. I am thankful. I am grateful. I am a human humbled by grace to admit that I don’t always enjoy every part of motherhood. I find relief and peace in this reminder that you don’t have to. I hope you do too.

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Alas, sickness has fallen upon our household this past week or so. An uninvited, nasty virus has attacked our heads, eyes, throats, and noses. It has shot down all our defenses and my will to shower. I am the only member of our family whose eyes have remained unscathed with no infection. My throat is sore, my head hurts, and my nose is stuffy.  But my eyes are clear. I’ve been washing my hands obsessively. My hands are dry, cracked and bleeding. I have a cut on my right knuckle that will not heal up because each time I make a fist or use my hand in some way, the cut splits back open. I’ve changed out pillow cases, blankets, and towels religiously. But who wants to bet a million dollars I’ll be sporting the Quasimodo look by Thanksgiving day? Am I enjoying this moment of sickness among our family? Hard no. Am I rejoicing in it? Trying. I am rejoicing in the fact that doctors are a phone call or 10 minute drive away.  I am rejoicing because I can order my groceries online. I am rejoicing in the cuddles, all-day pajamas, and movie watching. I am rejoicing that we can afford any kind of medicine we might need.  I am thankful that even though the seasons of fall and winter are always tough on us healthwise, we’ve got everything we need to help get us through. I am not enjoying the moments we’ve had this past week being sick, but I am trying to rejoice in them.

This is extremely difficult. As I am writing this, I have actually been banished to our bedroom. My husband sensed my foul mood when he came home from work and insisted that I take a break. I would have left to go to a coffee shop and write, but I just don’t feel up to it. So here I am sitting in my freshly changed bed, applying hand cream to my old lady hands, and nursing my raw throat with hot tea. A mountain of laundry is attempting to shove me off the bed, but I refuse to let it. I am going to finish writing this entry and try to rejoice in the moment. My husband said that I seem more worried that I will get the eye infection over anything else. He is right on some level. Of course I don’t want my kids to suffer or be sick. But they’ve already had it or do have it and I don’t. I really don’t want the eye thing. It just makes it that much harder to take care of everybody else. That’s the honest truth. My husband and I have to take care of everyone no matter what happens. It is very hard to rejoice when you and your family are sick.

As we head into the holiday season, I’m going to hold on to this idea of rejoicing in all circumstances. While I absolutely love the letter board quote about not having to enjoy every moment, I feel like it led me to a greater mantra (you know how I love mantras)  that’s been placed on my heart and that is simply to: rejoice. I will rejoice in the unseen work that is being done. I will rejoice in the Father who cares for us so. I will rejoice that my family is altogether. We may be sick, but we are together.

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So as you reflect on what you’re thankful for, take heart. Let go of the guilt and know that you are thankful, you are grateful, you are a great mom, who enjoys the lovely, sweet, funny moments with your kids. Rejoice. Rejoice that you are so greatly needed and loved.

Rejoice in the Lord always.

I will say it again: Rejoice! – Philippians 4:4