My Dear Hadley Girl,

I remember when they laid you on my chest for the first time and your innocent eyes looked up at me. We were still in the operating room. I felt numb from the neck down. Despite the condition my body was in there on the flat, sterile operating table, I had to see you. After all, you had been growing inside my body for the last nine months. I had felt your kicks, hiccups, and heard your heartbeat. We had waited for what felt like so long to even conceive you. You were finally here. You had breathed your first breath and cried your first tears.  So I lifted my heavy head as much as I could and strained my neck to keep my eyes fixated on you. It was all I could do to whisper, “Hi.”

“Hi, baby girl. Hi, Hadley. It’s me, mama. Hi.” I whispered over and over again. It was love at first sight and I was rendered speechless. Truly.

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My first day back at work after being home with you for 4 months, was one of the hardest days of my life. I remember I rushed home that afternoon, dropped my bags in the entryway, quickly washed my hands, and reached out for you. I put you to my breast and you drank yourself to sleep. I could finally breathe. My heart shifted back into place.  My shoulders melted down and my body sunk into that living room couch.

That couch was the place where I daydreamed what you might look like before you were born, as I felt you sharpen your kickboxing skills inside my uterus. That couch was the place where we had spent hours when you were a newborn, nursing, napping, and cuddling. There on the couch, was where you and I had slowly started to learn about one another. Together, we cried, smiled, giggled and cooed amongst the pillows and cushions. That couch was home and my heart was there with you. My heart is always there with you.

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Tomorrow, it’s your birthday and you are five years old. Looking back at all the pictures and videos of you on my phone, I feel like I hardly remember that baby. You have changed so much and I get the pure joy of seeing you everyday, but fail to realize how much you are indeed growing. You’re taller. You’re braver. You’re cleverer and funnier. You grow more complex and are filled with intricate detail only the Father could have designed. I don’t always know what you need or what you are thinking now. You can choose to hold your feelings inside or burst out with emotion. Sometimes when I look at you, I can still see your baby face, especially when you are sleeping.

You love to play. This sounds silly, of course a 5-year-old loves to play. But really, you love it. One weekend, your dad and I decided we wanted to spend some special time with you, just the three of us. We asked you what you wanted to do or if there was anywhere you wanted to go, and you requested, “I want to come home and play Legos. I want to build dinosaur cages  with you mommy and daddy. “ At the end of last school year before summer began, your preschool teacher asked you what you were looking forward to most for summer and you said, “I just want to stay at home and play and do nothing all day.” Horses, My Little Ponies, Calico Critters, doctor or veterinarian, restaurant, and dress-up or imaginary play, are just a few of your favorites. That doesn’t even include cars, trains, dinosaurs, or drawing pictures for your favorite people.

You thrive on meaningful time spent with the people that you love. You are not afraid to say hello to new people or ask someone to play.

Witnessing you make it all the way across the monkey bars for the first time all by yourself was unimaginable joy. I couldn’t help but cheer loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear. You mastered riding your bike on two wheels this past year too. You tackle a new goal with fierceness, but it has to be when you are ready and not a moment sooner.

You’re the type of girl who loves to run until you’re breathless, kick the ball as hard as you can, and lay on the ground just to gaze up at the sky. Your heart and mind are filled with wonder. You jump up and down with excitement for so many things. It’s as if you are about to take flight among the birds in the sky. You’d probably love that.

Spaghetti without the spaghetti sauce, pizza without the pizza sauce, only the small oranges that you peel, not the big ones… and always water, never milk or juice. You know what you like and what you don’t.

We sometimes don’t get along. You get upset easily. You stomp to your room, slam the door, yell, throw toys, and just want to be left alone. Minutes later, you want your blankies and are typically ready to hug it out and debrief. You can be moody, picky, and kind of bossy. But you are also thoughtful, helpful, eager, and creative. You’re a friend when it counts and show empathy for others. I am so proud of the girl you are growing up to be.

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We have a newer couch now that we got a couple years ago. We needed a sleeker one to fit a smaller space. But it is still the place where we talk, snuggle and get to know one another. Now, it has crumbs in every nook and cranny. It’s been barfed on, peed on, and spilled on. The cushions are starting to get lumpy and saggy from all the jumping, fort building, and Disney/Pixar movie watching. It’s still our place though where we cuddle when you are feeling sick or when you get hurt. It’s the place where we read stories, tell jokes, or don’t have to say anything at all. It’s the first place you go when you wake up in the morning. Armed with your stuffed animal entourage, three to four blankies, and your water bottle, you settle in at your favorite spot on the couch. At each morning’s first sight, your bed head hair, rosy cheeks, and sleepy smile greet me and I’m in love. I manage to utter a, “Good morning,”  as I’m rendered speechless still.

Love you H. Happy Birthday!

Love, Mom